When polyamory doesn't work

Updated: Sep 4, 2020


You may call yourself polyamorous, but do you practice the beautiful values of polyamory — love, trust, care, respect, freedom?


Sisterhood and female energy is so important to me — I want to inspire and be inspired by the females that I meet. I am learning to stop comparing myself to other girls, and instead appreciate our differences and learn and grow with them.


But specifically in my previous relationship, I was put into a position where I was consistently compared to other girls — which in turn made me doubt myself and other girls. I don't know if he realised he was actually doing this — putting me on the low end of every attributional scale, and placing this new female "acquaintance" on the top end — although not said so directly. I really tried to care for this new female that entered the picture, but he consistently spoke about her and praised her to me, while all I received was his anger and frustration — and yet, he didn't want to let me go.


So he kept me prisoner, holding me captive by the strings of my emotions, loving me for 5 minutes and then making me feel like I was not enough — not smart enough, not fun enough, not understanding enough, not sad enough, just not enough — compared to this new female. He made me feel ugly and worthless, while painting a beautifully soft, kind, and emotional picture of this new female.


If I ever tried to speak to him about these emotions, his angry response would be "It's not my problem, I am not responsible for your emotions, fuck off". I've only come to understand the term 'gaslighting', but that's what he did. I wonder if he spoke to her like that.


It's fair to say, although he called himself polyamorous, he certainly did not know the true and beautiful values of polyamory. This was not polyamory or love or care.


However, despite this experience, I truly believe that once you are in a loving and trusting relationship that holds the right intention and values, being more open can work. It takes a lot of work. It takes more communication, more love, more trust, more time, but I truly believe it can work.


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