On June 27th 2020, I shared my first instagram post giving spectators a sneak peak to what really goes on beneath this shiny veneer. I was nervous, as I've only ever used Instagram as a platform to show off the finessed side of my life — and in fact, I turned my nose up at any account that was too emotional or what I thought was attention-seeking. But on this day, after a short lived lockdown romance, I had fallen off the stage that was the 'Reena Show'.
It wasn't only the turmoil and manipulation of the relationship that broke me to pieces, it was the raw truths that were pulled from me in such a short space of time. Far too much for my porcelain skin to handle. As much as I wish I could turn back time and never have clicked 'like' on Hinge, I know there is something to learn from this. And as I've mentioned already, I don't have the words to talk about what goes on inside my head, because I've never had to do it, so I'm starting off virtually — typing feels like a safer first step.
The bottom line is, I couldn't ignore the realities any longer and so I am slowly facing them — one post at a time.
27th June 2020
Long post alert: So 2020 has been quite unsettling. In fact, this year, I've finally seen my demons – insecurities that I masked as securities for 20 years or so.
For years the phrase "Be more like Reena" ate me up inside, knowing that all that was inside was disgust – hidden behind a polished veneer, seductive selfies and a stream of Hinge matches.
This year, I've finally been able to say, "I'm not okay". I only really realised this when I re-read a poem that I had written about myself earlier in the year.
The poem (or shall I say part of the poem, as I'm not ready to share it all just yet):
I rather be alone forever - picking and choosing the men that I want in my life, how I want them in my life and how long they stay in my life. The only person I need to love is myself. Everyone else comes and goes.
I truly believe the idea of love was created by the devil himself. It's the worst kind of evil in disguise.
Like heroine, love traps people, hurts people and tricks people into isolation. It's the most toxic drug of them all.
I have a sadness realising this because I once was in love with love.
I've finally realised that it's not okay to think like that. It's dangerous. But at the same time, it's okay to not be okay. Vulnerability is a strength, and one that I need to learn. 🖤