Dancing with my shadow

"Hello Shadow. I don't know why i'm surprised to see you here.

I know that shadows exist. I know that everyone has one. I've seen them. I've stepped on them. I've sought refuge in them.

Yet, i'm just shocked at how fast you seem to have grown — you stand tall and proud, so opaque, so stubborn, towering over me."

As with all shadows, mine has appeared beneath the burning rays of the sun — red hot, chaotic, beautiful and warm on my skin. But like Icarus, I flew too close. I liked the feeling so much, I didn't want to let go, but I wasn't quite ready to deal with the burns.

Now, as the sun has found its home behind me, all that is directly in front of me is my own shadow. I can't un-see her — as much as I would like to. No matter where I stand, my shadow appears — looking directly at me, each time from a different angle.

It's odd because I'm comfortable with the shadow of others, it gives me a place to hide. But mine is a little different — I get the chills, my goosebumps hurt and it feels like my skin is tightening against my flesh. If I bend any part of me, I'm afraid it may rip and leave me with an open wound.

It is like when you spend the day outside and then your eyes have to readjust when going indoors — it's exactly like that. My vision is blurred and my eyes haven't readjusted yet — it's dark in here and I keep stubbing my toes on sharp corners. It's uncomfortable. And most of the time, I wake up not wanting to go through another day in the dark.

But the knowing that everything should readjust eventually, gives me a little push to keep going. I've actually started playing with the idea of dancing with my shadow — I listen to the deepest sounds and textures of music, and in that moment, I find the strength to dance with her, though it feels like I'm dancing with the devil. I'll place one hand on my heart and the other on my womb and through movement, I will talk to her — feeling everything that she wants me to feel, seeing and hearing everything she wants me to see and hear.

And when the time is right, we will dance with the world. We will make relationships that give us drive, and lose others that weigh us down. We will be sexual and sensual in our moves. We will allow us to be held. We will love and be loved. We will not be afraid of the world, even if the world is afraid of us.

One day, we will just be.