Proving my worth through productivity

For those of you that know me, you probably know that I find it so hard to stay in one place and be content in the moment...unless I'm dancing or outdoors trekking a peak of some sort.

Outside of this, everything I do has always had to be productive. I feel guilty and sometimes even disgusted at myself when I'm 'resting'. I'm always trying to prove my worth through levels of productivity.

I often speak about self care but end up falling back into old ways of thinking and acting, and this rodeo would have probably carried on until the foreseeable future, but I've started to fall ill recently, and it's hard to ignore the signs.

Despite eating a balanced diet and being quite active, I've suffered constant dizzy spells, randomly losing vision, and a constant feeling of being "not here". And it's crazy that although the signs of ill health are clear, my mind still tells me that "I'm lying, being lazy and that I should just get on with it".

I have been taught that my worth comes from how well I fit into certain societal structures and my levels of productivity, and it's funny that those aren't teachings from my parents...my parents always pushed for me to follow my heart and yet I no longer feel that I have a heart. Instead, I've found that this type of messaging has been instilled right from the beginning of education systems, then going straight into work, without a clue of my place in this world.

Anyway all this to say, I would like to take more accountability of my health and ownership of the way I live. I would like to begin to unlearn everything that has been programmed from a young age on how to be the "perfect citizen". I feel that it will be one of the hardest tests yet, but we try.

Photo credit: Mike Burnage

https://www.mikeburnage.com/